Understanding Abuse: When It Isn’t Always What People Expect

When people hear the word abuse, many imagine visible physical violence. That image is powerful, but the reality is that abuse often looks very different from what people expect.

Abuse can be subtle. It can be confusing. It can develop slowly over time. Sometimes it becomes part of everyday life before someone realises something isn’t right.

I want to begin by saying something very clearly: if you are questioning whether what you have experienced was abuse, that question itself matters.

Many people sit with that question for a long time.

I know this not only through my work as a counsellor, but through my own lived experience.

I am a survivor of abuse. There was a time when I genuinely believed I might never escape the situation I was in. I remember the fears, the doubts, and the many complicated thoughts that came with it. I also remember the denial, the ways we sometimes try to explain things away because facing the truth can feel overwhelming.

That experience is a big part of why I feel so passionate about supporting people who have lived through abuse. I understand how confusing it can feel, and how difficult it can be to talk about.

You don’t have to have all the answers to begin exploring your experience.

Abuse Doesn’t Always Look the Way People Expect

One of the reasons abuse can be so difficult to recognise is that it is often not just one behaviour. It is usually a pattern of control, manipulation, or harm over time.

Many people I speak with say things like:

“It wasn’t that bad.”“Other people have it worse.”“Maybe I’m overreacting.”

These thoughts are incredibly common.

Abuse can affect how someone sees themselves and their experiences. It can create doubt and confusion, which can make it harder to recognise what is happening.

Abuse can take many different forms, and understanding those forms can sometimes help bring clarity.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional or psychological abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, and often one of the hardest to recognise.

It can involve behaviours that slowly undermine a person’s confidence, sense of self, or emotional wellbeing.

This might include:

• Being constantly criticised or belittled

• Being made to feel “too sensitive” or that your reactions are wrong

• Being manipulated or guilt-tripped

• Being made to question your memory or perception of events

• Feeling as though you are always “walking on eggshells”

These experiences can have a deep impact over time. Many people begin to question themselves or lose confidence in their own judgement.

Coercive Control

Another form of abuse that is now more widely recognised is coercive control.

This involves patterns of behaviour designed to dominate or control another person’s life.

This might include:

• Controlling who someone sees or speaks to

• Monitoring phone messages or social media

• Restricting access to money

• Making someone feel dependent or isolated

• Creating an atmosphere of fear

Because coercive control often develops gradually, many people do not recognise it until they feel deeply trapped in the situation.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse involves the use of force or physical intimidation.

This can include behaviours such as:

• Hitting or pushing

• Throwing objects

• Restricting movement

• Threatening physical harm

Physical abuse is often what people first think of when they hear the word abuse, but it is rarely the only behaviour present. It is often accompanied by emotional, psychological, or controlling behaviours.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse involves any sexual activity that occurs without freely given consent.

This can include:

• Sexual assault

• Being pressured or coerced into sexual activity

• Boundaries around intimacy being ignored

• Sexual behaviour being used as a way to control or punish

Consent is an essential part of any healthy relationship, and it must always be freely given.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse can limit a person’s independence and ability to make choices.

This may involve:

• Controlling access to money

• Preventing someone from working

• Taking wages or financial resources

• Creating debts in another person’s name

This form of abuse can make leaving an unsafe situation feel even more difficult.

The Confusing Thoughts That Often Come With Abuse

One thing I often talk about with clients is the conflicting thoughts that can appear when someone is experiencing abuse.

You might recognise some of these:

• Maybe it isn’t really abuse.

• Maybe it’s my fault.

• Maybe things will change.

• Maybe I just need to try harder.

These thoughts are incredibly common.

When someone experiences abuse, especially over a long period of time, it can affect how they see themselves and the situation they are in. Denial can sometimes be a way of coping with something that feels too painful or overwhelming to fully face.

I remember having many of these thoughts myself.

It took time, patience, and support for me to begin to understand what I had experienced.

The Support That Helped Me

During my own journey, I was fortunate to have a counsellor who was incredibly patient with me.

They didn’t push me before I was ready. They respected my boundaries. They supported me step by step as I slowly made sense of what had happened.

That experience had a profound impact on me.

It showed me how powerful it can be to have a safe space where someone listens without judgement.

It is something I now try to offer to the people I work with.

Healing from abuse does not happen all at once. It happens gradually, at a pace that feels safe for the person experiencing it.

Support Services That Can Help

Alongside counselling, there are organisations that provide support for people experiencing or recovering from abuse.

Some UK organisations include:

• National Domestic Abuse Helpline

• Refuge

• Women’s Aid

• Men's Advice Line

• Victim Support

These services offer confidential advice and support for people who may not yet feel ready to speak to someone they know.

How I Work With Clients

When working with people who have experienced abuse, creating a sense of safety is always the priority.

Counselling provides a confidential space where you can talk about your experiences without judgement or pressure.

Confidentiality is an important part of therapy. What you share in sessions is kept private, except in rare situations where there may be a serious risk of harm to yourself or someone else. These boundaries are always explained clearly at the start so that you understand how your information is protected.

Most importantly, you are always in control of what you share and when.

There is no expectation to talk about anything before you feel ready.

A Final Thought

If you have experienced abuse, you may have spent a long time carrying those experiences on your own.

You may have questioned yourself many times. You may still be questioning yourself now.

That is completely understandable.

From my own experience and from the work I do with clients, I know how difficult these situations can feel, but I also know that support can make a meaningful difference.

You do not have to navigate it alone.

And when you are ready, there are people who will listen.