When Everyone Else Seems to Have It Together: Social Media, Comparison and Our Mental Health

There is something quite strange about social media.

We can know, logically, that what we see online isn't the whole story. We know photographs can be edited, videos can be carefully planned, homes can be tidied before the camera comes out and that people generally choose to share the moments they want others to see.

And yet, even when we know all of this, it can still affect how we feel about our own lives.

We can scroll through our phones and see somebody's beautiful home, their happy family, their perfectly cooked dinner, their amazing holiday, their successful career or their seemingly effortless life.

And somewhere in the back of our minds, a little voice might say:

"Why don't I have that?"

"Why can't I keep my house that tidy?"

"Everyone else seems to be doing so much better than me."

"Why does parenting seem so easy for them?"

"What am I doing wrong?"

This is where social media can become much more complicated than simply spending too much time on our phones.

Because sometimes it isn't the amount of time we spend online that affects us most.

It is the meaning we attach to what we see.

And sometimes, without even realising it, we can begin to use other people's carefully selected moments as a measuring stick for our own lives.

We compare without even realising we're comparing

Comparison is something human beings have always done.

We naturally look at the people around us and use them as a kind of reference point. We might compare our appearance, our relationships, our homes, our careers, our parenting or even our happiness.

Before social media, those comparisons were generally limited to the people we knew or encountered in everyday life.

Now, we can compare ourselves with thousands of people before we've even got out of bed.

And not just people we know.

Influencers.

Celebrities.

Friends.

Acquaintances.

People we've never met.

People with completely different lifestyles, incomes, opportunities, circumstances and support networks.

Yet our brains don't always stop to consider those differences.

We simply see the end result.

Someone has a beautiful home.

Someone is travelling the world.

Someone has lost weight and looks fantastic.

Someone has just bought a new car.

Someone has launched a successful business.

Someone is getting married.

Someone has children who appear happy and well behaved.

Someone seems confident, organised, motivated and completely in control.

And then we look at ourselves on an ordinary Monday morning.

We're tired.

The washing needs doing.

The children are arguing.

Work is stressful.

The house is untidy.

Dinner hasn't been planned.

We're worried about money.

We haven't exercised as much as we'd planned.

We're not feeling particularly confident.

Suddenly, the comparison doesn't feel very fair.

But we rarely remember to tell ourselves that.

Instead, we can start to feel that we're behind.

That we're not doing enough.

That everybody else has somehow figured life out while we're struggling to keep up.

And if those thoughts happen regularly, they can begin to affect the way we feel about ourselves.

We might become more critical of ourselves.

We might question our choices.

We might feel dissatisfied with things we were previously quite happy with.

We might experience anxiety, low mood, jealousy, frustration or a sense that we're somehow failing.

The comparison might have started with a photograph.

But the feeling it creates can stay with us long after we've put our phone down.

The perfect home

Let's take something as ordinary as someone's home.

You might scroll past a photograph of a beautiful kitchen.

Everything is clean.

The worktops are clear.

There are fresh flowers on the island.

The cupboards are organised.

Perhaps there are candles burning and a beautifully prepared meal on the table.

You look around your own kitchen.

There are dishes beside the sink.

The children's things are on the floor.

The worktops need cleaning.

There is washing waiting to be put away.

And suddenly, something that was simply your home becomes evidence that you aren't managing your life as well as somebody else.

You might think:

"Why can't I keep my house like that?"

"I should be more organised."

"I'm always behind."

"Other people seem to manage everything."

But what you are comparing is not really two homes.

You're comparing your everyday reality with somebody else's carefully chosen photograph.

You don't know what that kitchen looked like ten minutes before the photograph was taken.

You don't know what the rest of the house looked like.

You don't know whether somebody helped clean it.

You don't know how long it took.

And you certainly don't know what else was happening in that person's life that day.

Yet your mind can take one photograph and turn it into a story about your own inadequacy.

The perfect holiday

The same thing can happen with holidays.

Someone posts photographs from a beautiful beach.

They're relaxed.

They're smiling.

The weather is perfect.

The hotel looks amazing.

Perhaps there are photographs of cocktails by the pool, romantic dinners and sunsets.

You might be sitting at home dealing with work, bills, childcare or the ordinary responsibilities of everyday life.

And suddenly your own life can feel very small.

"Everyone else is having amazing experiences."

"Why aren't we doing things like that?"

"We never have enough money for holidays like that."

"My life is so boring compared with theirs."

What we may forget is that we're seeing the holiday highlights, not the whole holiday.

We don't see the airport delays.

The tired children.

The arguments.

The expensive meals.

The stress of travelling.

The moments when somebody wasn't enjoying themselves.

We see the sunset.

And we fill in the rest.

The perfect relationship

Social media can also affect how we view our relationships.

We might see a couple posting photographs from a romantic weekend away.

They're smiling.

They look happy.

They write about how lucky they are to have found each other.

And we look at our own relationship.

Perhaps we've been together for years.

Perhaps we're tired.

Perhaps we're dealing with work pressures, children, finances or simply the everyday stresses of life.

Perhaps we had an argument yesterday.

Perhaps your single and wonder whats wrong with you and why have you not found anyone yet.

Suddenly, we can find ourselves comparing.

"Why don't we do things like that anymore?"

"Maybe we're not as happy as they are."

"Their relationship seems so much better than ours."

But a photograph cannot show us the quality of somebody's relationship.

It doesn't show us how they communicate when things are difficult.

It doesn't show us their disagreements.

It doesn't show us their insecurities.

It doesn't show us what happens when the camera is switched off.

A relationship doesn't need to look perfect online to be healthy in real life.

The perfect body

Body image can be another particularly difficult area.

We may see somebody who appears to have the body we wish we had.

We might compare their appearance with our own and immediately notice everything we don't like about ourselves.

Perhaps we start thinking:

"I need to lose weight."

"I don't look like that."

"I hate my body."

"I should be exercising more."

"Why can't I look like them?"

What began as a few seconds of scrolling can turn into dissatisfaction with our appearance.

We might become more self conscious.

We might avoid photographs.

We might feel uncomfortable wearing certain clothes.

We might become preoccupied with food, exercise or our appearance.

And sometimes the comparison doesn't stay on the screen.

It follows us into the rest of our day.

The perfect parenting

Parenting is another area where comparison can be particularly powerful.

We might see photographs of another family enjoying a beautiful day together.

The children are smiling.

Everyone looks happy.

The caption talks about making memories and how wonderful family life is.

Meanwhile, we've just spent the morning dealing with arguments, tears, refusing to get dressed and somebody announcing that they hate the breakfast we've made.

It can be very easy to think:

"What am I doing wrong?"

"Why does everyone else make parenting look so easy?"

"Maybe I'm not a good enough parent."

But again, we are comparing our whole parenting experience with a carefully selected moment from somebody else's.

Real parenting includes difficult days.

Children have tantrums.

Parents lose patience.

Plans go wrong.

Sometimes everyone eats together and sometimes everyone eats at different times.

None of that means you're failing.

We are comparing the behind the scenes of our life with somebody else's edited version

Imagine for a moment that someone followed you around with a camera for a week.

They filmed the arguments, the rushed mornings, the meals that didn't go to plan, the moments you felt overwhelmed, the housework you didn't get around to, the times you doubted yourself and the ordinary moments when absolutely nothing interesting happened.

Now imagine they were allowed to choose just five minutes from that entire week to show the world.

They would probably choose the moments that made you look your best.

The lovely family meal.

The day out.

The clean kitchen.

The birthday celebration.

The moment everyone was smiling.

If somebody only saw those five minutes, they could easily believe that your life was calm, happy and organised.

But you would know the rest of the story.

That is something worth remembering when we look at other people's social media.

We know the full story of our own lives.

We know the difficult conversations.

We know the sleepless nights.

We know the worries we carry.

We know what happens when the camera is switched off.

But when we look at someone else's social media, we often only see the carefully selected pieces they have chosen to show us.

And then we compare their five minutes with our whole life.

No wonder we sometimes feel that we aren't measuring up.

The story our minds create from a photograph

There is another part of social media comparison that can be particularly powerful.

It isn't necessarily what we are shown.

It is what we assume from what we are shown.

We see a photograph of a couple smiling on holiday and think:

"They must have such a wonderful relationship."

We see a spotless house and think:

"They are so organised."

We see somebody posting about a successful business and think:

"They have everything figured out."

We see somebody who looks confident and think:

"They must feel great about themselves."

But we don't actually know any of those things.

We've seen a photograph.

Our minds have filled in the rest of the story.

And when we're already struggling with our mental health, those assumptions can become even more powerful.

If we're feeling lonely, we might see a group of friends together and interpret it as evidence that everyone else has a social life except us.

If we're feeling anxious about money, we might see somebody's new home or holiday and interpret it as evidence that we're not successful enough.

If we're struggling with our confidence, we might see someone who appears confident and assume that they never experience self doubt.

If we're already feeling low, we may look at someone else's happy life and use it as further evidence that something is wrong with our own.

The photograph hasn't actually told us any of those things.

Our mind has.

When social media starts affecting our mental health

Sometimes we don't notice the impact immediately.

We scroll.

We compare.

We carry on with our day.

But perhaps we feel slightly more dissatisfied than we did before.

Perhaps we feel less confident.

Perhaps we're more critical of ourselves.

Perhaps we're anxious about something we weren't thinking about five minutes ago.

Perhaps we start questioning our relationship, our appearance, our parenting, our career or our financial situation.

Over time, repeated comparison can contribute to low self esteem, anxiety, loneliness, low mood and feelings of inadequacy.

For some people, it can create a constant sense of not being enough.

Not attractive enough.

Not successful enough.

Not wealthy enough.

Not organised enough.

Not happy enough.

Not doing enough.

And that can be exhausting.

We can find ourselves constantly trying to improve, achieve or change ourselves because we're measuring our lives against an unrealistic standard.

Instead of asking, "Am I happy with my life?", we can start asking, "Does my life look as good as theirs?"

Those are very different questions.

When likes and comments become measures of our worth

Social media doesn't just encourage us to compare our lives.

It can also encourage us to measure ourselves through numbers.

Likes.

Followers.

Views.

Comments.

Shares.

At first, these numbers might seem meaningless.

But human beings are wired to care about belonging and acceptance.

When a post receives lots of attention, we may feel noticed, validated and included.

When something we share receives very little attention, we might feel disappointed or even rejected.

"Why didn't anyone like it?"

"Did I say something wrong?"

"Maybe people don't care."

The danger is that something designed as a simple interaction can gradually become connected to how we see ourselves.

We may start posting for reassurance.

Checking our phone repeatedly.

Wondering who has seen something.

Comparing the response we receive with somebody else's.

And if our sense of worth becomes too closely tied to online approval, our mood can begin to rise and fall with something as simple as a number on a screen.

But a number cannot tell us how valuable, interesting, lovable or important we are.

Our worth isn't something that can be measured by an algorithm.

Sometimes we're looking for reassurance

There are times when we pick up our phone because we're bored.

But there are also times when we're looking for something else.

Reassurance.

Connection.

Validation.

A distraction from something we're feeling.

Perhaps we're having a difficult day and want to see something that makes us feel better.

Perhaps we're feeling insecure and want someone to notice us.

Perhaps we're lonely and want to feel connected.

Perhaps we're anxious and keep checking our notifications because we're hoping for a message.

There is nothing wrong with wanting reassurance or connection.

Those are very human needs.

But if social media becomes the main place we go to meet those emotional needs, we can find ourselves caught in a cycle where we repeatedly check, scroll, compare and seek approval without ever feeling truly satisfied.

Sometimes the more anxious we feel, the more we check.

And the more we check, the more we find to compare ourselves with.

And then there is doom scrolling

We've probably all experienced it.

You pick up your phone for five minutes.

One video leads to another.

One news story leads to another.

You see something upsetting, so you look for more information.

Then another worrying story appears.

Before long, you've spent an hour consuming content that has left you feeling anxious, angry, sad or overwhelmed.

And yet you keep scrolling.

Sometimes putting the phone down isn't about ignoring the world.

It's about giving our minds a chance to rest.

Our minds need time away from constant information, comparison and stimulation.

Sometimes we don't realise how much we've absorbed until we finally put the phone down and notice how we feel.

But social media can be a wonderful thing too

It is important that we don't turn this into a story about social media being bad.

It isn't.

Social media can bring enormous positives into our lives.

It can help grandparents see their grandchildren growing up.

It can keep friendships going across countries.

It can help people find communities where they feel understood.

It can give people a voice.

It can introduce us to new ideas, hobbies, creativity and interests.

For somebody who feels isolated, finding an online community can sometimes be incredibly meaningful.

So perhaps the answer isn't to reject social media completely.

Perhaps it is about becoming more conscious of how we use it and how it makes us feel.

Perhaps the most important question is: "How does it make me feel?"

There isn't a magic number of minutes that makes social media healthy or unhealthy for everyone.

Someone might spend an hour online and feel connected, inspired and happy.

Someone else might spend twenty minutes scrolling and come away feeling awful about themselves.

So rather than only asking:

"How much time am I spending online?"

Perhaps we can also ask:

"How do I feel when I come away from it?"

Do I feel connected?

Inspired?

Entertained?

Informed?

Or do I feel anxious?

Inadequate?

Lonely?

Jealous?

Exhausted?

Do I feel good about myself?

Or have I started criticising myself?

Am I comparing my life with someone else's?

Am I suddenly unhappy with my home, body, relationship, career or family life?

Are there particular accounts that consistently make me feel worse about myself?

These questions can help us become more aware of the relationship between what we see online and how we feel internally.

And sometimes that awareness is enough to make us pause.

We are allowed to unfollow.

We are allowed to mute.

We are allowed to take a break.

We are allowed to put the phone down.

And we don't have to justify protecting our mental health.

You don't have to have a perfect life

Perhaps one of the kindest things we can remind ourselves is that real life was never meant to look like social media.

Real life is messy.

Real homes get untidy.

Children have difficult days.

Relationships have disagreements.

Meals don't always look beautiful.

Bodies change.

Plans go wrong.

People struggle.

People cry.

People have days when they don't feel confident or productive or particularly happy.

That doesn't mean their life is failing.

It means they are human.

So the next time you find yourself scrolling through someone else's seemingly perfect life and thinking:

"Why can't my life be more like theirs?"

Take a moment.

Ask yourself:

"Do I actually know what their life is like?"

Probably not.

You are seeing a snapshot.

A moment.

A carefully chosen piece of someone's story.

And your life deserves to be measured by something much bigger than a photograph on a screen.

Your worth isn't measured in likes.

Your relationship isn't measured by how happy you look in photographs.

Your parenting isn't measured by somebody else's family post.

Your home doesn't need to look like an influencer's home.

Your body doesn't need to look like somebody else's.

Your career doesn't have to follow somebody else's timeline.

And your life doesn't have to look perfect to be a good life.

Perhaps the next time comparison creeps in, instead of asking:

"Why don't I have what they have?"

we can gently ask ourselves:

"What am I telling myself about my own life right now?"

And:

"Is that actually true?"

Sometimes, it is about finding a little more kindness towards ourselves in the middle of all the comparison.

Putting the phone down.

Looking around at our own imperfect, ordinary, wonderful life.

And remembering:

This is real. And real is enough.