Sad, Low, or Depressed? Making Sense of Difficult Emotions

“I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just not myself at the moment.”

This is something I hear quite often in counselling.

Sometimes people come to therapy wondering whether they are depressed. Other times, they tell me they are “just feeling a bit sad” and question whether what they're experiencing is really something they should be talking about.

Perhaps you've had a difficult few weeks. Maybe something has happened that has left you hurt, disappointed or overwhelmed. Or perhaps you can't quite put your finger on what's wrong, you just know that things feel harder than they used to.

And sometimes, the hardest part is knowing what we're actually feeling.

Sadness and depression aren't quite the same thing

Sadness is a natural part of being human.

We feel sad when we lose something, when someone hurts us, when life doesn't turn out as we'd hoped, or when we're missing someone or something important to us.

You might notice yourself crying more easily, withdrawing from people, feeling tired or simply wanting some time alone.

But you may also still have moments where you feel like yourself.

You might laugh at something your friend says. Enjoy your favourite television programme.

Look forward to the weekend. Feel comforted by a hug.

Sadness can sit alongside other parts of life.

Depression can feel different.

It can affect the way we experience ourselves, other people and the world around us.

Things that once brought pleasure can start to feel flat or meaningless. Getting out of bed may feel like an enormous effort. Concentrating can become difficult. You might feel exhausted even after sleeping.

And sometimes depression doesn't feel like sadness at all.

It can feel like numbness.

Like you're going through the motions but aren't really there.

You might think:

“I don't feel anything anymore.”

“I can't be bothered with anything.”

“Everyone seems to be getting on with life, and I'm struggling just to get through the day.”

Or perhaps:

“I have no reason to feel like this. My life is actually okay.”

Having a life that looks okay from the outside doesn't mean you can't be struggling on the inside.

What if “sad” isn't quite the right word?

One of the things I often find helpful in counselling is slowing down the language we use around emotions.

We can be very quick to say “I'm sad”, “I'm stressed”, “I'm anxious” or “I'm angry.”

But emotions are rarely quite that simple.

The emotion wheel is one way of becoming a little more curious about what might actually be happening underneath the first feeling we notice.

For example, what we call sadness might actually be:

Loneliness — I don't feel connected to anyone right now.

Disappointment — Something I really hoped for hasn't happened.

Hurt — Something someone said or did has affected me more than I want to admit.

Grief — I'm missing someone, something, or a version of my life that I once had.

Shame — I'm worried that something about me isn't good enough.

Powerlessness — I don't know how to change what's happening.

Overwhelm — There is simply too much going on.

And sometimes, what looks like anger may actually be hurt.

What looks like irritability may be exhaustion.

What looks like withdrawal may be a need for safety.

What looks like “I don't care anymore” may actually be someone who has cared for so long that they have nothing left to give.

None of this means that every feeling has a hidden meaning that we have to uncover.

But becoming curious can be helpful.

Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?”, we might begin with:

“What is this feeling trying to tell me?”

We can become very good at not feeling

Perhaps you've noticed that when difficult emotions appear, you quickly find something else to do.

You keep busy.

You work.

You clean.

You exercise.

You scroll on your phone.

You watch another episode.

You make yourself available to everyone else.

You tell yourself you'll think about it later.

And sometimes, these things are exactly what we need.

Distraction isn't always unhealthy. We all need breaks from difficult thoughts and feelings.

But sometimes distraction becomes our only way of coping.

We don't give ourselves the opportunity to actually experience what's underneath.

We might have learned somewhere along the way that sadness is weakness.

That anger isn't acceptable.

That needing someone means we're needy.

That we should be grateful for what we have.

That other people have bigger problems.

That we should simply “get on with it.”

So we do.

Until eventually our emotions become harder to recognise.

What happens when we allow ourselves to pause?

This is one of the things counselling can offer: a place where you don't have to immediately make yourself feel better.

You don't have to explain everything perfectly.

You don't have to know exactly why you're feeling the way you do.

You can simply start with:

“Something doesn't feel right.”

And together, we can gently explore that.

Sometimes you might discover that you're grieving.

Sometimes you'll realise you've been carrying anger for a long time.

Sometimes you'll notice that you've been putting everyone else's needs before your own.

Sometimes you'll discover that what you thought was sadness is actually loneliness, exhaustion, fear or disappointment.

And sometimes, there won't be a neat answer.

That's okay too.

Sitting with difficult emotions doesn't mean becoming overwhelmed by them

There can be a fear that if we allow ourselves to feel something, we'll never stop feeling it.

“If I start crying, I'll completely fall apart.”

“If I let myself think about it, I'll make it worse.”

“If I admit how angry I am, I won't be able to control it.”

But allowing an emotion to exist isn't the same as allowing it to take over.

Sometimes we can learn to sit beside an emotion rather than fight it.

To notice it.

To breathe.

To become curious.

To ask what we need.

And, importantly, to recognise that emotions change.

They rise.

They peak.

They soften.

They move.

We don't have to solve every feeling immediately.

Maybe you don't need to know whether you're “sad enough” for counselling

If you're reading this because you've been wondering whether what you're experiencing is “bad enough” to talk about, you don't need to make that decision alone.

You don't have to wait until you're completely overwhelmed.

You don't need a diagnosis.

You don't need to have the right words.

You can simply come as you are.

Counselling can provide a space to slow things down, understand what you're experiencing and begin to reconnect with the parts of yourself that may have been pushed aside while you were simply trying to get through the day.

And perhaps that's where we can start.

Not with “What's wrong with me?”

But with a gentler question:

“What is happening for me right now, and what might I need?”

If you're finding things difficult at the moment, I'd be happy to explore this with you. You don't have to have everything figured out before reaching out.