"If I Tell You This, Will You Have to Tell Someone?" – Let's Talk About Confidentiality

It's one of the biggest questions people bring to counselling, although they don't always ask it out loud.

Sometimes it arrives disguised as:

"This might sound silly, but..."

"I've never told anyone this before."

"You can't tell anyone, can you?"

Or my personal favourite:

"You're not going to call the police if I say this, are you?"

Let's clear something up straight away: counsellors are not sitting with one hand on the tissue box and the other hovering dramatically over the emergency phone.

Many people delay coming to counselling, or hold back once they're here, because they worry that if they reveal something difficult, embarrassing, shocking or painful, their counsellor will immediately have to "report" it.

In reality, counselling is confidential, but confidentiality does have some important limits.

Those limits are usually much narrower than people fear.

Your counselling space is designed to be somewhere you can speak honestly and openly, without being judged or automatically having what you say passed on to someone else.

And if you're unsure about what is and isn't confidential, you can always ask your counsellor. In fact, that's a really good conversation to have at the beginning of counselling.

Some common fears clients have

People often worry that if they talk about:

• having angry thoughts

• relationship difficulties

• affairs or betrayals

• family conflict

• using alcohol or drugs

• intrusive or distressing thoughts

• feeling overwhelmed or "not coping"

• experiences they feel ashamed of

• traumatic experiences or abuse from the past

their counsellor will have to tell someone.

Usually, this is not the case.

Having thoughts, feelings, fantasies, regrets or even saying something shocking does not automatically mean confidentiality is broken.

Counselling is exactly the place where difficult experiences can be explored safely.

You don't have to edit yourself into a more acceptable version before you walk through the door.

“But what if I tell you something really bad?”

Many clients imagine confidentiality works something like this:

You say one alarming sentence.

The counsellor gasps.

Sirens appear.

Everyone panics.

Thankfully, real life is rather less dramatic.

Counsellors understand that people often need to say difficult things out loud in order to make sense of them.

Thoughts are not the same as actions, and feelings are not crimes.

Talking about feeling angry with someone, experiencing jealousy or resentment, having unwanted intrusive thoughts, feeling ashamed, or talking about something painful from your past does not automatically mean your counsellor will contact someone else.

You are allowed to bring difficult thoughts and feelings into counselling.

In fact, that's often why you're there.

“What if I tell you about abuse from my past?”

This is one of the questions many people carry into counselling, often silently.

People sometimes worry:

"If I talk about what happened to me as a child, will you have to report it?"

"If I disclose abuse, will social services become involved?"

"Will I lose control of what happens next?"

These fears are completely understandable, especially if trust has already been damaged in the past.

In most situations, talking about abuse that happened in the past does not automatically mean that confidentiality will be broken.

Many adults come to counselling to process experiences of childhood abuse, neglect, domestic abuse, sexual abuse or other traumatic experiences that happened many years ago.

Counselling can provide a safe and confidential space to explore these experiences at your own pace.

However, safeguarding responsibilities can make some situations more complex.

So when might confidentiality need to be broken?

Confidentiality is a fundamental part of counselling, but it isn't absolute.

Counsellors have ethical and professional responsibilities to respect your privacy while also taking action when there is a serious concern about someone's safety or wellbeing.

This can include situations where a counsellor believes there is a serious risk of significant harm to you or someone else, or where safeguarding concerns mean that information may need to be shared.

For example, a counsellor may need to consider questions such as:

• Is someone currently at risk of significant harm?

• Is a child or vulnerable adult currently being harmed or at risk?

• Is there information suggesting that someone may be in serious danger?

• Is there a current safeguarding concern involving someone who may be at risk?

• Is there a serious risk of significant harm to the client or to someone else?

The important thing is that a disclosure is not simply an automatic trigger for action.

Counsellors consider the circumstances, the level of risk and the information available to them.

For example, if someone tells us about abuse that happened thirty years ago and there is no indication of a current safeguarding risk, confidentiality would usually remain intact.

On the other hand, if information suggests that a child or vulnerable adult may currently be at risk of significant harm, safeguarding responsibilities may mean that confidentiality cannot be maintained in full.

There isn't always a simple tick box answer.

Counsellors may need to seek supervision or professional guidance when faced with complex situations and make careful, ethically informed decisions.

What about serious risk?

If a counsellor believes there is a serious risk of significant harm to you or someone else, they may need to seek additional support or share relevant information to help keep people safe.

This doesn't mean that every time someone says, “I don't want to be here anymore,” a counsellor will immediately pick up the phone.

Counsellors understand that people can experience hopelessness, despair, intrusive thoughts and thoughts about death for many different reasons.

The context matters.

Your counsellor will normally explore what you're experiencing, how you're feeling, what you mean, and whether there is an actual risk that requires further action.

The purpose is not to punish you for saying something difficult.

It's to understand what is happening and, where necessary, help keep you or someone else safe.

What about the police or the law?

This is another common worry.

People sometimes imagine that telling a counsellor about something illegal, embarrassing or shocking automatically means the police will be contacted.

It doesn't work like that.

Counselling isn't an interrogation, and your counsellor isn't there to catch you out.

However, there are circumstances where a counsellor may be legally required to disclose information, for example if they receive a valid court order.

These situations are unusual, but they are one of the reasons counsellors cannot promise absolute confidentiality.

Your counsellor should explain the limits of confidentiality to you, and if you're unsure about what those limits mean, please ask.

You don't need to be embarrassed about asking.

Safeguarding is about protection, not punishment

The word safeguarding can sound frightening.

Some people hear it and imagine that the moment they disclose something difficult, professionals will immediately take over and make decisions for them.

In reality, safeguarding is about protecting people from significant harm.

Whenever possible and appropriate, counsellors will aim to discuss concerns openly with clients and involve them in decisions about sharing information.

The aim is not to take power away from you.

It's to promote safety and wellbeing while respecting your rights and your privacy.

What does the BACP Ethical Framework say?

For counsellors working within the BACP Ethical Framework, confidentiality is recognised as an important part of creating a safe and trusting therapeutic relationship.

And that makes sense.

Without trust, counselling simply cannot work very well.

The Framework also recognises that confidentiality is not absolute and that counsellors have wider ethical responsibilities when there are serious concerns about safety or safeguarding.

Counsellors are expected to:

• respect and protect clients' privacy wherever possible

• explain the limits of confidentiality clearly

• seek appropriate supervision when faced with complex ethical decisions

• share information only when there is a justified reason to do so

• disclose only information that is necessary and proportionate

• involve clients in the process wherever possible

These responsibilities can sometimes sit alongside one another in complicated ways.

A counsellor may be trying to protect your confidentiality while also considering whether someone is at serious risk of harm.

When that happens, they are expected to think carefully, seek appropriate guidance and make decisions in an ethical, thoughtful and compassionate way.

What about supervision?

You may also hear your counsellor mention supervision.

Counsellors regularly use supervision to reflect on their work, think through difficult situations and make sure they are working safely and ethically.

This doesn't mean your counsellor is sitting in a room telling their supervisor every detail of your life over a cup of tea.

Information discussed in supervision should be handled appropriately and your privacy protected.

Supervision is there to support good counselling practice and, ultimately, to help your counsellor provide you with the best and safest support they can.

The most important thing to know

If you're worried about telling your counsellor something, please bring that worry into the room.

You don't have to dive straight in.

You could simply begin with:

"I'm frightened to tell you something because I'm worried about what might happen."

That's enough.

You can ask:

"What would happen if I told you about something from my past?"

Or:

"Before I tell you, can you explain what you would have to keep confidential and what you might have to share?"

That conversation itself can be incredibly important.

You deserve to understand what confidentiality means before you trust someone with the things you've been carrying.

Counselling isn't about catching people out.

It's about understanding, supporting and helping people make sense of their experiences.

And often, the very things we are most afraid to say are the things that most need to be heard.

You don't have to have the perfect words. You don't have to know whether something is “bad enough” to talk about. And you don't have to work out the confidentiality rules on your own.

You can simply start with:

"There's something I need to tell you, but I'm scared about what will happen if I do."

And take it from there.