Avoidance in Therapy: Understanding What It Is and Why It Matters

"I'll deal with it later."

"I don't really want to think about that."

"I've been meaning to make that phone call for weeks."

"I just keep distracting myself."

Most of us avoid things from time to time. Whether it's a difficult conversation, an uncomfortable emotion, or a task we'd rather not do, avoidance is a very human response.

In many situations, it can even provide temporary relief.

However, when avoidance becomes a regular way of coping with stress, anxiety, difficult emotions, or painful experiences, it can begin to create challenges in our lives and relationships.

In therapy, avoidance is something that often emerges naturally as part of the therapeutic process. It isn't viewed as a flaw or a sign that someone isn't trying hard enough. Instead, therapists understand that avoidance usually develops for a reason, and often serves an important protective purpose.

So lets explore what avoidance is, how it can show up in the therapy room, and how therapists work with it in a supportive and compassionate way.

What Is Avoidance?

Avoidance is any behaviour we use to move away from thoughts, feelings, situations, memories, or experiences that feel uncomfortable, overwhelming, or distressing.

Sometimes avoidance is obvious. We might put off attending an appointment, avoid opening emails, or decline social invitations because they make us anxious.

Other times, avoidance can be much more subtle. We may stay busy constantly, spend hours scrolling on our phones, focus on other people's problems, or intellectualise our feelings rather than experiencing them.

While avoidance often reduces discomfort in the short term, it can keep difficult emotions unresolved and prevent us from addressing the issues that are causing distress.

Why Do We Avoid Things?

At its core, avoidance is often about protection.

When something feels threatening, whether physically or emotionally, our minds naturally look for ways to reduce discomfort and keep us safe.

For example, someone who has experienced rejection may avoid new relationships. A person who has experienced trauma may avoid reminders of what happened. Someone struggling with anxiety may avoid situations where they fear judgement or failure.

In many cases, avoidance develops because it once worked.

If avoiding a situation reduced anxiety, embarrassment, or emotional pain, the brain learns that avoidance feels safer than facing the discomfort directly.

The challenge is that while avoidance may provide temporary relief, it often keeps fear and distress alive over time.

How Avoidance Shows Up in the Therapy Room

Avoidance can appear in many different ways during therapy, often without the client being fully aware of it.

Changing the Subject

A client may be discussing something emotional when they suddenly move onto another topic.

This can happen so naturally that neither the client nor therapist initially notices it.

A therapist may gently observe:

"I noticed we moved away from that quite quickly. I wonder what was happening for you in that moment?"

Talking About Events but Not Feelings

Some people are comfortable discussing what happened but find it difficult to connect with how it felt.

For example, someone may describe a painful breakup, bereavement, or difficult childhood experience in great detail while remaining emotionally distant from the experience.

This isn't dishonesty or resistance. It can be a way of staying protected from overwhelming feelings.

Missing Sessions or Arriving Unprepared

Sometimes avoidance can show up around therapy itself.

A client may find themselves cancelling appointments, forgetting sessions, or feeling unusually reluctant to attend when difficult topics are beginning to emerge.

This can be a sign that therapy is touching on areas that feel vulnerable or emotionally challenging.

Using Humour

Humour can be a healthy coping strategy, but occasionally it can also be used to move away from painful emotions.

Someone may laugh while discussing experiences that were deeply hurtful or traumatic.

Therapists pay attention to these moments with curiosity rather than judgement.

Focusing on Other People

A client may spend much of the session discussing the actions, behaviours, or difficulties of others while finding it harder to explore their own emotions and experiences.

This can sometimes serve as a way of avoiding painful self-reflection or vulnerability.

Staying Busy

Many people avoid emotional discomfort by keeping themselves constantly occupied.

Work, social commitments, household tasks, exercise, or caring for others can become ways of ensuring there is little time left to think or feel.

While these activities are not problematic in themselves, therapy may help explore whether busyness has become a way of avoiding emotional needs.

How Therapists Work With Avoidance

One of the most important things to understand is that therapists do not typically try to eliminate avoidance immediately.

Avoidance often exists for a reason. It may have helped someone survive difficult experiences, manage overwhelming emotions, or navigate challenging circumstances.

Therapy aims to understand the purpose of avoidance before attempting to change it.

Creating Emotional Safety

Before exploring difficult emotions, therapists focus on building trust and creating a safe therapeutic relationship.

When people feel understood and accepted, they are often more willing to approach experiences they have previously avoided.

Bringing Awareness to Patterns

Many avoidance behaviours happen automatically.

A therapist may gently help clients notice patterns they were previously unaware of.

For example:

"I've noticed that whenever we begin talking about your father, you quickly move onto work. I wonder what that might be protecting you from feeling?"

The goal is not criticism but increased awareness and understanding.

Exploring What Avoidance Is Protecting

Rather than asking, "Why are you avoiding this?", therapists are often interested in a different question:

"What would happen if you didn't avoid it?"

This shift can uncover fears of rejection, shame, grief, vulnerability, failure, or emotional overwhelm.

Understanding what lies underneath avoidance is often an important part of the healing process.

Moving at a Comfortable Pace

Therapy is not about forcing people into situations they feel unprepared for.

A skilled therapist will work collaboratively, helping clients approach difficult emotions gradually and at a pace that feels manageable.

This allows confidence and emotional resilience to develop over time.

Developing New Ways of Coping

As clients become more aware of avoidance patterns, therapy can help them develop alternative ways of managing discomfort.

This may include:

• Building emotional awareness

• Learning grounding techniques

• Developing self-compassion

• Improving communication skills

• Increasing tolerance for difficult emotions

• Practising healthy boundaries

The aim is not to eliminate discomfort entirely but to help people feel more capable of facing it.

What Happens When Avoidance Begins to Change?

As people gradually become more willing to face thoughts, feelings, and experiences they have been avoiding, many report feeling a greater sense of freedom and control.

They may find themselves:

• Feeling less anxious

• Making decisions more confidently

• Communicating more openly

• Understanding themselves more deeply

• Feeling more emotionally connected

• Experiencing improved relationships

Importantly, this process is rarely about becoming fearless. It is often about learning that difficult emotions can be experienced, understood, and managed without needing to run from them.

Something to leave you with.

Avoidance is not a sign of weakness, laziness, or failure. More often, it is an attempt to protect ourselves from emotional pain, uncertainty, or vulnerability.

In therapy, avoidance is treated with curiosity and compassion rather than judgement. By understanding what avoidance is trying to achieve, people can begin to develop new ways of responding to difficult emotions and experiences.

Over time, the things we avoid often lose some of their power. And while facing them may feel daunting at first, it can also open the door to greater self-awareness, resilience, and emotional wellbeing.

Sometimes healing begins not by forcing ourselves forward, but by gently turning towards the things we've spent so long trying to avoid.