"What Is Gaslighting? How It Affects Your Mental Health and Self-Trust"

"Maybe I'm overreacting."

"Perhaps I imagined it."

"Everyone else seems to think they're right... maybe I'm the problem."

These are phrases I hear regularly in the therapy room.

Many people arrive feeling deeply uncertain about themselves. They no longer trust their own judgement, struggle to make decisions and apologise for things that aren't theirs to carry.

Often, they don't realise there's a reason they feel this way.

Sometimes that reason is gaslighting.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their own thoughts, memories, feelings or experiences.

It doesn't always involve dramatic lies or obvious manipulation.

In fact, it can be incredibly subtle.

Over time, repeated comments such as:

"That never happened."

"You're too sensitive."

"You're imagining things."

"You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"You always get things wrong."

can gradually chip away at a person's confidence in their own reality.

Eventually, someone may begin checking everything they think or feel with other people because they no longer trust themselves.

It's become a popular word, but it's often misunderstood

The word gaslighting is everywhere these days.

Sometimes it's used to describe any disagreement or difference of opinion.

But not every argument is gaslighting.

People can genuinely remember events differently.

They can misunderstand one another.

They can make mistakes.

Gaslighting is different.

It's usually a repeated pattern where someone's reality is consistently dismissed, distorted or denied in a way that leaves them doubting themselves.

Whether the behaviour is deliberate or not, the impact can be profound.

Many people don't realise it's happening

One of the hardest parts about gaslighting is that it often develops gradually.

It rarely begins with obvious manipulation.

Instead, it can start with small moments that seem easy to brush aside.

Perhaps someone laughs at your concerns.

Tells you you're being dramatic.

Insists you're remembering things incorrectly.

Questions your judgement again and again.

Each incident on its own may seem insignificant.

But over months or years, those experiences can quietly erode your confidence.

By the time people come to therapy, many tell me they no longer know whether they can trust their own instincts.

Sometimes it begins much earlier than we realise

One of the biggest misconceptions about gaslighting is that it only happens in romantic relationships.

For many people, the first experience of having their reality questioned happens much earlier.

It happens within their own family.

A child expresses that they're upset and hears:

"Stop being so dramatic."

"You're fine."

"That never happened."

"You're remembering it wrong."

"You always make a fuss."

"You're far too sensitive."

Perhaps they're told to smile when they're hurting.

To forgive before they've had chance to process what happened.

To "keep the peace" rather than speak honestly.

Or maybe difficult experiences are simply ignored altogether, leaving the child wondering whether their feelings were ever valid in the first place.

These responses don't always come from cruelty.

Sometimes they come from parents who were never taught how to respond to emotions themselves.

Sometimes they're part of patterns that have been passed down through generations.

But regardless of the intention, the impact on the child can be the same.

Over time, those messages become internalised.

Instead of trusting themselves, they learn to question themselves.

Instead of asking, "How do I feel?" they begin asking, "Am I allowed to feel this?"

By adulthood, many people have become experts at dismissing their own emotions before anyone else has the chance to.

When the whole family tells a different story

Family gaslighting can be especially confusing because it often involves more than one person.

Perhaps you raise something painful from childhood and hear:

"That never happened."

"You're remembering it all wrong."

"Your sister doesn't remember it like that."

"You're always looking for problems."

"We've done everything for you."

When several family members share the same version of events, it's understandable to wonder whether you're the one who's mistaken.

Many people come to therapy saying:

"Maybe I've made it all up."

Memory is complex, and people genuinely can remember events differently.

The important question isn't always who remembers every detail accurately.

It's whether your emotional experience is acknowledged.

Healthy families can disagree about what happened while still being curious about how each person experienced it.

Emotionally unhealthy families are more likely to dismiss, minimise or ridicule those experiences instead.

Gaslighting in relationships

Gaslighting is often talked about in the context of domestic abuse, and for good reason.

It can become one of the most confusing aspects of an unhealthy relationship.

Someone may apologise after hurting you, deny conversations ever happened or insist you're the one causing the problems.

You might begin keeping text messages, writing things down or replaying conversations repeatedly just to reassure yourself that your memory is accurate.

Many clients tell me they spent years believing they were "too emotional" or "too difficult," only to later realise they had been constantly questioning themselves because their reality had repeatedly been dismissed.

It can happen in friendships too

Gaslighting isn't limited to romantic relationships.

Sometimes it appears in longs tanding friendships.

Perhaps a friend regularly dismisses your feelings, tells you you're "overthinking everything" or convinces you that every disagreement is somehow your fault.

You may leave conversations feeling guilty without really knowing why.

Or perhaps you find yourself apologising simply to keep the peace.

Healthy friendships allow room for different perspectives while still respecting each person's experience.

They don't require one person to constantly doubt themselves.

Gaslighting in healthcare

Over recent years, I've heard more and more clients describe feeling unheard within healthcare settings.

This can be particularly painful because people often seek medical help when they already feel vulnerable.

Some clients describe leaving appointments feeling as though their symptoms have been dismissed, minimised or attributed solely to stress without feeling fully listened to.

Others tell me they've begun questioning whether they should seek help at all because previous experiences left them feeling embarrassed or as though they were "making a fuss."

It's important to acknowledge that healthcare professionals work under enormous pressure, and many provide compassionate, thoughtful care every day.

But when someone's concerns are repeatedly dismissed or they leave feeling that their experience has not been heard, the impact can be significant.

Some people delay returning for appointments.

Others stop asking questions.

Some begin doubting their own bodies and instincts.

Whether intentional or not, feeling repeatedly unheard can affect confidence and discourage people from seeking support when they genuinely need it.

Everyone deserves to feel listened to with respect.

The impact reaches far beyond confidence

Gaslighting doesn't simply affect self-esteem.

It rarely leaves visible bruises, but it can leave something just as painful: a deep uncertainty about your own thoughts, memories and feelings.

It can influence almost every area of life.

People often describe:

• Constant self-doubt.

• Difficulty making decisions.

• Feeling anxious before expressing an opinion.

• Apologising excessively.

• Replaying conversations for hours afterwards.

• Feeling confused about what is real.

• Becoming increasingly dependent on others for reassurance.

• Losing trust in themselves.

• Feeling guilty simply for having needs.

• Becoming a people-pleaser because disagreement feels unsafe.

• Struggling to identify what they genuinely think or want.

• Avoiding conflict at any cost.

Many people also begin shrinking themselves.

They stop speaking up.

They stop setting boundaries.

They stop asking for what they need because they're no longer sure they're entitled to those needs.

These aren't personality flaws.

They're often survival strategies that made sense in relationships where questioning yourself felt safer than questioning the people around you.

How therapy can help

One of the first things we often work on in therapy is rebuilding trust.

Not trust in other people.

Trust in yourself.

That doesn't happen overnight.

It develops slowly through curiosity, reflection and compassion.

Together we might explore:

• What you've experienced.

• How self-doubt developed.

• Recognising manipulation without becoming fearful of everyone.

• Understanding healthy disagreement.

• Reconnecting with your intuition.

• Strengthening boundaries.

• Learning to value your own thoughts and feelings again.

One of the most powerful parts of therapy is that you don't have to convince me your experience was "bad enough."

We become curious together.

We explore what happened, how it affected you and why you learned to doubt yourself.

Over time, many people notice something remarkable.

They stop asking,

"Am I overreacting?"

and begin asking,

"What do I need?"

That's often where healing begins.

For many people, one of the most powerful moments in therapy is hearing:

"It makes sense that you feel this way."

Sometimes that simple validation is something they haven't experienced for a very long time.

Healthy relationships feel different

One of the biggest misconceptions is that healthy relationships never involve disagreement.

They do.

People will see things differently.

They'll misunderstand each other.

They'll make mistakes.

The difference is that healthy relationships allow space for conversation.

They involve listening rather than dismissing.

Curiosity rather than criticism.

Repair rather than blame.

You shouldn't have to constantly question your own reality to maintain a relationship.

Books you may find helpful

If this topic resonates with you, these books offer thoughtful, accessible insights:

The Gaslight Effect by Dr Robin SternA clear introduction to recognising gaslighting and understanding why it can be so difficult to see while you're experiencing it.

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy BancroftAlthough focused primarily on abusive relationships involving men, this book helps many people understand patterns of coercive and controlling behaviour.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover TawwabA compassionate and practical guide to developing healthier boundaries and stronger self-trust.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. GibsonHelpful for understanding how early relationships can shape the way we respond to invalidation in adulthood.

A brief summary

If you've spent months, or even years, wondering whether you're "too sensitive," "too emotional" or "imagining things," I want you to know that your experience deserves to be heard.

You don't have to decide today whether what happened to you was "really gaslighting."

Labels can sometimes be helpful, but they aren't the most important part.

What's important is recognising the impact your experiences have had on you.

If you've been left questioning your memories, apologising for your feelings or constantly wondering whether you're "too much," those experiences deserve compassion, regardless of what name we give them.

The good news is that self-trust can be rebuilt.

Therapy isn't about telling you what to think.

It's about helping you reconnect with the part of yourself that has always been there, the part that knows your feelings matter, your experiences are real and your voice deserves to be heard.

Therapy offers a space where your thoughts don't have to be defended, your feelings don't have to be justified and your reality doesn't have to be argued with.

Because healing often begins with one simple but powerful realisation:

You don't have to keep doubting yourself just because someone else taught you to.